Five O’clock Tea

If you are invited to an English home, at five o’clock in the morning you get a cup of tea. You must not say ‘Go away’. On the contrary, you have to say, with your best five o’clock smile, ‘Thank you so much. I love a cup of early morning tea, especially early in the morning.’

Then you have tea for breakfast; then you have tea at eleven o’clock in the morning; then after lunch; then you have tea for tea; then after supper; and again at eleven o’clock at night.

You must not refuse tea under the following circumstances: if it is hot; if it is cold; if you are tired; if anybody thinks that you might be tired; if you are nervous; if you are happy; before you go out; if you are out; if you have just returned home; if you have had no tea for some time; if you have just had a cup.

You definitely must not follow my example. I sleep at five o’clock in the morning; I have coffee for breakfast; I drink innumerable cups of black coffee during the day.

The other day, for instance, I wanted a cup of coffee and a piece of cheese for tea. It was a very hot day, and my wife made some cold coffee and put it in the refrigerator, where it froze solid. On the other hand, she left the cheese on the kitchen table, where it melted. So, I had a piece of coffee and a glass of cheese.

(from How to be an Alien by George Mikes)